I struggle being in a job, friendship, situations, etc. Thus my career path has been anything but straight-forward, which could drive any sane person crazy. Thankfully, my wife has been very supportive because she knew this was the way I was wired from the beginning and it aligns with her core beliefs, as she enjoys change and pursuing things off the beaten path.
Are you fitting and conforming to some abstract idea of what you think they want? Or are you blossoming and flourishing into who you really are?
Is your partner trying to force you to become like some figment of their unrealistic dating imagination? Or are they challenging you to become a better, authentic you? Not trying to change you, but trying to bring the best to the top. However, for many of us our fallback communication plan will be the one our parents laid out for us. Holidays, especially, are giving you a glimpse into how your partner has been taught and trained. Your partner can look and smell like a rose, and yet continue to prick you with their sharpened barbs.
Does your partner seek out ways to understand how you receive love and meet that need? Do you do the same? When someone loves from their strengths they know who they are and are drawing from a deep, full well to give to you without demanding a drink in return.
Honestly, going into marriage with my wife I really struggled talking about money. I let money and the honest conversations about it become a wedge in my relationship. Conversations about money can be the great time bomb in a relationship. When you think about your future together, can you list three things that you think would be excruciating to let go? Identify what you feel are non-negotiables now so you can avoid any large, gaping ravines ahead.
Does religious faith play a role in your present and do you want faith to play a role in your future? So this next thing I'm about to say might come as a bit of a shock: I feel that the word "love" is used too much and often incorrectly in relationships today. Maybe a little bitter? Sometimes we lose sight of what is really important because we think loving someone is the sole reason to be in a relationship, but it's not.
Trust is one of the most important factors in a relationship. If you don't trust the person you are with, then it is probably not a healthy, stable relationship and you most likely feel insecure about it. Being truthful and honest is major when it comes to relationships. A relationship built on false hope and white lies will only crumble in the end, no matter how much you love the other person. No amount of love is worth giving up who you are and the respect you deserve. Love is not a justification for disrespect or abuse.
Communication is key in any relationship to define boundaries. You need it to express feelings, needs and expectations. You need it to solve conflicts and you even need it when it comes to intimacy.
Without good communication, how can anything in the relationship be clear and the rest of these values be strengthened? This one is up there with trust. Loyalty acts as a building block in relationships for other values such as those on this list. Values and boundaries allow you to know what is good and bad, and right and wrong about life, both in terms of morals and how you feel about everything around you. You have two types of values much like businesses have two types of costs fixed and variable. Your core values are the ones that stay in place for very long periods of time and tend to endure even when other aspects of your life change.
What we believe is reflected in how we act and who we choose in our partners which is all the more reason to address what you believe to prevent you from doing stuff that sabotages your own happiness. These values grow with you and reflect where you are at that point in time.
There is no point in having the secondary values if the primary values are not in place. This is because the secondary values only take on meaning and add to your relationship in the context of the primary values being met. A great way of testing whether something is a primary or secondary value is to take something that you value and believe exists in your relationship and put it with something that is missing.
If you value intimacy and companionship, and they value their solitude, doing things their way, and no matter what they profess, they consistently do things that exclude you and make you feel anything but intimate or a companion, you are incompatible. The closer you get, the more they will move away. Even if they like a little intimacy, they only want it when they want it, which may be little. And compare the values you say that you have with with the things that you look for in a relationship, so for example:.
You should also ask yourself, what secondary values will be clouded out if your primary values are not met? If you do this, you will end up with insubstantial relationships with conflicts of interest. Think about what you value and ask yourself why you value it. Also look at the values that you expect a partner to have — do you embody them? If not, why not? Interesting values to ask yourself about are: Why do you value money?
Why do you value appearance? Why do you value success? Why do you value passion? Then ask yourself, what do you believe these things will do for the relationship or for you? The flipside of valuing success is that if someone prioritises success, they may be totally focused on work and uninterested in a relationship or having a family.
Or…you may discover your incompatibility, but at least you can use the knowledge to focus your energies in the right direction — on you and moving on. Tuesday 5th May — sorry, been ill today May 4th with a humongous toothache. On a side note. However, how do we reconcile the secondary values or better yet, replace primary values and make them seconday values?
In a nutshell, I would like him to be attractive to me personally. I have to admit I have an specific taste in men and tell me if there is something wrong with me and if I should I go to therapy for this: But when it comes to men I prefer cute over hot, stocky over slender, dark skin over white skin. These are just my preferences, but guess what?
I get exactly the opposite of this!. I have thought about this a lot in the past and I think: SOmetimes I wonder, lets say I get to marry this person who is the opposite of my preference one day, and later on in life I find a man who matches these preferences so perfectly. WOuld this become an obstacle in my marriage because I put so much emphasis on my preference?
Does this mean that I have switched… or better said… I have an innate primary value for this particular physical preference or have I just placed it because of past life experiences?. I know this sounds so shallow and I feel horrified by this but in all honestly this has become almost like a challenge in my thoughts everytime I meet a man. Am I as shallow as those I claim to criticize? Does this mean I need to re-evaluate my primary values? And most importantly is it wrong for me to have these feeling about it?
I need all inputs I can get. I think your primary values should be trust, respect, integrity and character. This is what makes a healthy relationship. Katty, Gayle is absolutely right that looks fade. I know women who are in the same position as you. Half alone, the other half, they stopped looking for their vision of a man and focused on values and whether they felt good with them, attracted to etc.
The latter half have all met people and are getting on with their lives. One is a very close friend of mine. Tired but very happy. Thank you Natalie for this post.
I have just started realize the difference between common values and common interest. I have never been in a relationship which included both. However, I must admit than thouse with only common values were much better, long, fulfilling, inspiring, happy, etc… than those with only common interests. Very, very interesting perspective…. This article on the significance of core values in relationships is really timely for me! I have been dating someone for several months and things are confusing.
The interaction I have been having with this man seems to be missing some key emotional elements and I have been having some problems addressing them. I am also stressed out by the ambiguity of our relationship. Going to his house was very tempting, but afterwards I would have felt like it was a good old fashioned Booty Call. After reading this article,,,,,It was easy for me to say that while I was appreciative of his thoughtful invitation….. That is a refined way saying….. No Booty calls buddy….
I want a true relationship. Valley Forge Lady, Good for you for realising what you really want from a relationship and not settling for anything but. Im still a bit confused about that. I believe that me and my ex have the same values like being faithful and apreciate more serious relationships than casual ones. The incompatibility is on our vision of how a relationship should be like. But I dont think that can be considerated a value,or can it? That is what has caused most of our problems even and I dont know how to make him get it. I even tried to compare it with other couples so he would see how our relationship was so diferent from what it should be but even so it didnt work.
That said, you are imposing your vision of things which is largely illusionary driven but also controlling. This is interesting and something that I had…and lost and am getting back again. Though when I lost it.. I certainly attracted undesirables. I would have never thought in a million years that I would be attracted to a man that is lbs. WRONG…he grew on me. He has a heart condition as well and his meds.. It was frustrating for him, but I was ok with it.
I suppose that wreaked havoc in his mind as well. Thoug his subtle touch arroused me more than crazy full blown lust. Anyway…inspite of the initial connection we had…when it grew into a relationship.. It seemed like there was too much pressure, we both wanted it to work. What our relationship goals were, etc. I was more real the second time and he ran for the hills. I stayed with my core values, which I am learning all over again. I have to admit, with the last two relationships, I got sucked in..
At least with the relationship previous to this last one. I loved to be held by him.. Kat I can relate to what you are saying…. This is where I found myself recently….. Apparently, I did not know myself either because like you I got sucked in as well. I too allowed myself to be guided…. Your core values need to be there in your actions as you both discovered.
The great thing is that you can open yourself up to new opportunities. My coment above isnt a answer to mE post,I posted it on the wrong place. I have requested deletion and tried to post again on the right place but it didnt work. Anyway just wanted to explain what hapened.
I asked and I received. I thank God for your wisdom!