Maybe you felt rejected or dismissed, or struggled to win their approval or recognition. Now as an adult you're easily "hooked" when someone pushes these old insecurity buttons. Another cause is low self-esteem: You wouldn't want anyone who would want you. You can only value them if you are in the one-down position, which makes you more easily dismissed by them, hence abandoned again. You may stay in the vicious cycle of pursuing hard-to-get lovers in order to keep replaying the old drama - to distract yourself from your old abandonment wounds.
Are you looking for the emotional high of infatuation or seeking a trusting, loving, mutual relationship? In other words are you seeking romance instead of relationship? Reexamine your values about who is a "good catch. Recognize that these patterns don't just go away because you've become aware of them.
You have to change behavior. Open yourself to new truths, new values, new experiences, and new people. Do new things, new ways. Make breaking this pattern a primary goal of self-improvement and therapy. As you aim toward your higher self, you increase your capacity for mutual relationship. Your gut most likely got you into this pattern in the first place.
Your gut may be attracted to those who only seem available when they are choosing you, but when they catch you, they lose interest. For two years, I was hung up on an emotionally unavailable man. A former nationally-ranked athlete, Bruce was 22 on my list of suitors post-divorce. On our third date, I introduced him my favorite Japanese speak-easy. On our fourth, he took me to an underground tattoo parlor operated by a Russian dentist.
The Rolling Stones blaring from his speakers, I felt young and free. Magnetic and charismatic, his companionship short-circuited my otherwise rational brain. He bought me expensive gifts. We shared lavish meals.
We remained platonic friends, teetering on the edge of a love affair. His behavior was baffling. Despite the advice of friends and family, I kept hanging around, thinking I could change him. I eventually nicknamed him "Come Here, Go Away.
Instead, these unfulfilling relationships are an invitation to look within. To examine our past.
7 Ways To Stop Dating Emotionally Unavailable People emotionally unavailable partners with one unconscious motive: When the guy or girl. Unlike emotionally unavailable relationships, healthy, productive ones are On our third date, I introduced him my favorite Japanese speak-easy. scores of women and men lose months (if not years) to relationships that are.
To speak our truth. To become comfortable in being alone. I eventually summoned the strength to end my relationship with my Mr. Unavailable, but not before taking a good, hard look at myself. As much as I hated to admit it, his unavailability mirrored my own.
Our relationship allowed me to feel close without having to risk my heart fully, especially after being left so traumatized by my ex-husband's sudden and dramatic departure from my life. I asked my friend, relationship therapist Aimee Hartstein, LCSW, why so many people remain stuck in these emotionally unavailable relationships.
In her 20 years of professional practice, she has witnessed scores of women and men lose months if not years to relationships that are permanently stalled. Emotionally unavailable relationships allow us to dip a toe into the pool of intimacy, without requiring us to get our hair wet. It's the time when we expect then to begin making good on their many promises.
It's also a honeymoon period with the electorate.
Even some of the most polarizing presidents in America's history had high approval ratings during the first few months in office. But after the "new car smell" wears off, something happens. The president makes some decisions that we didn't think would be part of the deal. And isn't that a beautiful metaphor for a new relationship? The first days are magical, complete with butterflies in the stomach, smiles, and nonstop laughter.
We think we are "falling in love," but typically we are falling more for the chemical release of dopamine and oxytocin in our body than we are for our partner. Thus, we hang on even after we start to notice the red flags. All of a sudden, it takes them 6 hours to return a text message. Sometimes, it could take 6 days. We try to make plans, but they can only seem to carve out time when it's convenient for them.
When we attempt to have the "defining the relationship" talk, they start saying things like "I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship. We've all been there, trying to move forward in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable. However, some people make it a pattern, dating only the people who dangle the "love carrot" before immediately pulling it back just out of reach.
As I work with clients who are in the struggle, I always point out one of my favorite Wayne Dyer quotes: We attract who we are.