grupoavigase.com/includes/476/6285-repuve-slp-citas.php This guy is probably a very welcome diversion from all that. Since breaking up with him isn't an option, per your Ask, then you have two options as I see it: He chooses to end things with you at some point, for whatever reason on his end. Are you OK with getting dumped after spending x-amount of time bending yourself to fit what he wants? Will you feel used, or will you feel OK that it was just a temporary, mutually-fun time?
You find yourself getting increasingly anxious, and start to play out your previous patterns of behavior, and it escalates into something extremely painful for you, and you end up breaking it off, and then having to spend x-amount of time undoing the damage. He's told you exactly who he is, and how he sees you as medication, as an emotional bong-hit. He has no incentive to change.
As long as you are OK with the temporary high of dating this guy, with the knowledge that you will crash hard and have a long detox afterwards, then carry on. It kind of sounds like you want a monogamous relationship but feel like you should be fine with a nonmonogamous relationship, so you're trying to figure out how to stop wanting the thing you want, which is exclusivity. It seems like you've sort of bought into the idea that wanting monogamy is inherently backward, and accepting nonmonogamy is more advanced, so you're trying to achieve being okay with it.
I think what the folks here are telling you is that whichever you want, that's kinda what you want, and you probably shouldn't fight yourself about it. The fact that monogamy isn't guaranteed to be successful doesn't mean you shouldn't do it; nonmonogamy isn't guaranteed to be successful either. People in multiple relationships or open relationships still get hurt, lied to, damaged I'd recommend listening to yourself and realizing that monogamy is actually pretty important to you, so you want to look for somebody who wants that, too. I spent a year in a previous relationship trying to be okay with non-monogamy, even though it deeply bothered me.
I wanted it so badly to work, the chemistry, the butterflies, everything you describe was there. I knew if I just tried hard enough I could be the "cool girlfriend" he needed and I'd make everything work and he'd see how awesome and freethinking and amazing I was.
But it was just wrong for me. I don't know if it's possible for me to overstate the massive toll the whole thing took on my mental health. The relationship ended over seven years ago, and I'm in a much better place now, but there are still areas where I'm dealing with the emotional and logistical fallout every day. You have to do what's best for yourself, and while I certainly don't know exactly what that is for you, your description of this relationship especially the guy's "low self-esteem" spiel and the high intensity and of your feelings in it hits really close to home for me.
There is nothing wrong or controlling about wanting monogamy, and you aren't less of a person for needing it. That was a hard realization for me, but now that I know that it's something I fundamentally need, I can be honest about it with others and most importantly, with myself. Take care of yourself above all else. There sure is a lot of "this is the way relationships have to be"-ism here. Is it mutually satisfying and growth producing?
Can it be made so? If so, it's as good as relationships get and you should both keep it, as long as possible. Note I did not say anything about exclusive, committed, or permanent. Those aren't the same. Folks pushing you to get into a commitment zone might want to take note that a you didn't do too well in the prior one and b neither did they if they are normal adults how many had just one? Woman, you are powerful. You are in charge. You can do whatever you want. No one can tell you how or when to be happy and no one, not your family, friends, or community, can stand in your way of trying on different clothes, as it were.
If this man makes you happy for a year, what a year it will be. If 10, you will be 3 beyond most married folks. The best model is what works for you, and for NewGuy. Even if that's conventional commitment. I'm just not a fan of one-size-fits-all. Goodness me, without the chemistry you're experiencing this guy sounds terrible on paper frankly - barely holding it together in multiple ways it seems - and further, he seems exactly structured to bring out and fan your absolute worst insecurities and behaviours.
Good luck to you if you stick to it, but yikes, he doesn't sounds like any kind of relationship material - open or closed - to me, and it's super dooper clear you emotionally want and need something more than friends-with-benefits, which is all this is ever going to be. You're allowed to want things in a relationship and not have them solely on someone else's terms, that's okay. If you persist with this I think you should totally continue dating. It's unlikely for someone who wants to be monogamous to be ok with a non-monogamous partner. This is the origin of a large amount of the pain people face when trying to be non-monogamous in this culture.
This suggests a "maturation model" in your mind, wherein he'll ripen into someone who does want exclusivity sometime. Many non-monogamous people do not and will not. I suggest you treat him as such and keep your expectations of your relationship here limited and short: On a separate note, people with such low self-esteem assuming your diagnosis is correct that they need the external ego strokes of multiple relationships are not ready for a deep, stable, mature relationship, monogamous or otherwise. Love involves revealing the self until eventually we are down to our softest vulnerable core.
That kind of self-revealing takes courage and belief that what we reveal, however flawed, is still worth loving, because no one is perfect. This is WHY he spreads himself between multiple people -- he needs distance in order to maintain this facade you see him now -- charming, able to make you feel good, all that. From experience, I have learned that no amount of love can "heal" another person's self-loathing, whatever their method of camouflage multiple shallow relationships, yes, but also being controlling, co-dependent, testing, fear being cheated upon We can only ever heal ourselves.
I'd let this one go. If so, it's as good as relationships get No. There's a lot more to a relationship that's as "good as it gets", including but not limited to trusting your partner to cherish you and prioritize your feelings and welfare, and knowing that you are emotionally safe with them.
None of those things are going to happen here, because OP isn't a poly person by nature, and she knows it.
OP, you asked a legit question about whether you can train yourself to be a happily poly person, and we haven't seen any post yet from someone who's successfully done it, although we've certainly seen several from people who've tried and failed, which jibes with what I've seen myself. In my experience you either dig it or you don't; it sometimes, but not always, takes some experimenting to figure out which it is. This guy sounds like exactly the kind of guy who makes people associate open relationships and non-monogamy with assholes and players.
Not to mention with people for whom "one person just isn't enough attention and validation", etc. Those stereotypes aren't just unfounded propaganda by "backwards religious assholes" or something like you're implicitly being sold here, and trying to tell yourself. I absolutely agree with the people above who say that you're getting some kind of feeling that not being ok with this is a problem and that being cool with it is not only the cool thing to do to be the "good girlfriend" but also that it's somehow more socially progressive and you're holding on to some archaic concept.
No, i think that's exactly what this type of guy wants you to believe. And as much as i usually hate to be one of the people going "Lol yea i bet they're saying all that shit to the other person too" I would be really really surprised if someone who openly said they were essentially self medication with sex and relationships wasn't the type to also tell every person they're involved with that they are the super special one they like more than all the other ones.
That is their hook, that is how they play their game. I mean really, read this entire description. This guy pretty much sounds like the textbook definition of a player.
My ideas are essentially the same with nonexclusive relationships. Although there is no formal agreement to be exclusive, how much you like. Do You Need A Dating Rotation? My many relationships have fallen somewhere between a string of not-so-great first dates and being in love. “Rotations allow you to date other people at the same time, giving you perspective on the dating process,” says April Masini, relationship.
And like a lot of those types of people he lightheartedly told you exactly how he is, what he wants, and how he operates. Because it clears his conscience because "hey, i told her exactly what i wanted and how i'm going to act. It's not being an asshole if i tell her i'm gonna be an asshole! He knows that's not what you want because you've pretty much explicitly told him, plus he's not an idiot unable to tell those obvious things.
It does not follow that a poly relationship must have lack of trust, nor absence of prioritizing feelings and welfare, or that when these things exist in one, they are qualitatively different than those in a supposed monogamous relationship. I've learned this time and time again in relationships including one with a guy who didn't want to be exclusive: If you want exclusivity and he doesn't, you may decide it puts too much stress on you to stay in it. Even people who are really into poly and like it for its own sake find it stressful at times. As long as you are OK with the temporary high of dating this guy, with the knowledge that you will crash hard and have a long detox afterwards, then carry on.
He knows this isn't what you really want, and you know that. But you just let that elephant chill because "Eh, maybe it'll change this is just starting! When it doesn't, he has his get out of jail free card. Meanwhile you're feeling fucking burnt. He's setting himself up to always have an instant guilt free eject lever of "hey, full disclosure and shit, what's the problem? You're the one sliding all your chips onto the table while he puts up essentially nothing.
I realize i might be projecting my own experiences a bit and reading into this, but what you described sounds like a very distinct type of person that's easy to identify once you've seen a couple. And that said, having known a couple of guys like this fairly well there is a distinct honeymoon period. They're really really good at seeming awesome and like everything you'd want while not quite committing for about After that they either ghost, or the entire thing falls apart and it becomes really obvious they weren't what they seemed at all. This may very well resolve itself very soon when it either becomes cartoonishly like scooby doo villain obvious he wasn't what he seemed or just gets "bored" with you and leaves because he's essentially run out of pre-punched cards to feed in to his speak-n-spell of how to play a mini relationship.
I'd be really curious to know how many "relationships" like yours this guy has had that lasted a month or so. Not that there's any way to look that up or ever honestly find out, but i would be surprised if the number wasn't high. If life, or dating was some kind of game with stats they would have the absolute maximum number you could have in that field and sex while having the minimums you start out with when it comes to everything else in life.
Someone I know was with this guy she liked, whom she found very intense and sexy, and who insisted on an "open" relationship. Like yours, he explained this with reference to various personal quirks and traumas and made it sound like monogamy was something he was just too damaged to do. In practice this meant that he had a free pass to sleep around as much as he liked, but he got insanely jealous of her behavior even though she was not really seeing anyone.
She tried really hard to convince herself that if she were a more mature person, she'd be okay with the open relationship concept. But she wasn't okay with it, and what happened was that she cycled through being miserable about his behavior and then as an extra bonus getting mad at herself for being miserable. If she talked to him about this, he responded that she was creating drama and breaking the terms of their relationship, and treated it as completely her problem.
She ultimately was forced to recognize that and dump him. Shortly thereafter she met someone else with whom she is now happily monogamous.
After that, she also talked to some of her ex's other ex-girlfriends and found that a lot of the stuff he'd told her -- about the way he felt about her, about their possible future, etc. I guess my point here is two-fold: And second, the thing of "I'm just too damaged to be faithful to you" is at best a warning sign and at worst intentional manipulation. Someone who is poly in a well-grounded way will likely present the fact differently.
This guy has told you who he is and what he wants. No matter how he acts when you are together, and no matter how you feel, you need to listen and believe him. You are head over heels and are setting yourself up for a huge heartbreak. Seconding the idea that people who do poly because they need so much from so many people are likely to be doing poly badly.
Sure, poly is about getting love and affirmation and sex and romance from multiple partners. But it's also about giving love and affirmation and sex and romance to multiple partners. On reflection, do you think this dude has so much love to give that one relationship doesn't feel like enough for him? Or is it about taking, rather than giving, for him? In the interests of thoroughness: Adult people are independent entities. Independent people make up a relationship.
The relationship is always at risk from actions of the individuals. In almost all committed relationships, the commitment is conditional. In many relationships, the conditions are violated and the relationship either ends or is amended to accommodate the violations. It does not follow that a poly relationship must have lack of trust, nor absence of prioritizing feelings and welfare, or that when these things exist in one, they are qualitatively different than those in a supposed monogamous relationship.
There's a better than even chance you had trust and cherishing going on at some point in your prior relationship. Many folks discover that dishonest partners were neither trustworthy nor very good at cherishing. The ideal of some perfect monogamous relationship seems scarce, to be kind. If it weren't maybe The Green would not be full of plaintive requests on how to deal with the reality of modern relationships.
Humans seem to be mostly serial monogamists, resting in between temporary loves, despite admonitions to the contrary. THIS seems more reality than some wished-for and seldom obtained condition of permanent bliss and caring. Formerly committed partners KILL each other every day. Still committed partners labor in a Herculean effort in the face of constant want and unhappiness. Nothing sacred about spending a life that way, is there? I agree, perhaps we can aim higher. That's what religion and philosophy are for, perhaps.
But the denial of reality, and encouragement of folks to fit a mold society casts in THIS arena, coupling, seems to me to be another form of the "you choose to be homosexual" argument that has recently gone by the wayside, thankfully, as society recognizes that love, family, relationships are variable, like the people involved in them. Blacks can even marry whites these days.
When I was a kid, it was illegal in Virginia. Maybe you "know" you aren't poly. Maybe you are just afraid to even consider it? How does one know without testing when the test is how well something works for YOU? Only from the advice of strangers to adopt their definitions of what's OK? To make sure this isn't misinterpreted, I'm not recommending anything other than self-awareness and self-criticism and self-assessment.
I don't have a horse in the race other than my reluctance to accept what I am handed by society without question.
I have found it to be better for society than for me, usually. I'm trying to encapsulate basic premises that the biggest infidelity is dishonesty and that whatever anyone wants to do is OK, as long as everyone involved in it is in on the deal. The FORM isn't the problem. The FORM is flimsy protection against the lie. Actually, it seems fairly ineffective. The NewGuy being in 'therapy' may just signify that he is having trouble accepting his social 'out of bounds' feelings and trying to convince himself to abandon what has not worked for him in the past He may need therapy less than folks who think these things define happiness and are committed to forcing it down everyone else's throat.
It's Kafkaesque to label him a "player", suggesting he's only out for exploitation because he doesn't want the food society is serving. It's also disingenuous to label monogamy as some sort of holy ideal, when it's obviously a demonstrable failure at making durable, happy, fulfilling relationships.
For every ONE monogamous relationship like that, we can all find literally hundreds of failures in our immediate circles. In fact, most of us can find dozens in our personal histories if you start with the first high school romance. Maybe that's why monogamists are in therapy so much?
Rather than listen to "No! Don't look to us. We already let you down. What do you think? What do you want? What are you willing to risk? What are you afraid of? Make whatever kind of cake suits you. The ultimate indicator of being an adult is claiming your life. They are strong flavors, and repeat exposure makes them tolerable but it doesn't make you like them. You either like them or you don't.
The options you allow yourself do seem to be: Opening Up is a good book, but it may not be what you're looking for as you're not necessarily looking to have an open relationship. You just want to re-write your feelings so that you're not in pain when he fucks other people. I am enthusiastic about non-monogamy but I don't think that book exists. In my experience people trying to go from monogamy to polyamory for the sake of "a special someone" doesn't work.
For somewhat obvious reasons. It has to be something you want to do for your sake, or it turns into terrible feelings salad. One thing you can do for yourself if you stay in the relationship with your new guy: If he wants long-term non-monogamy, then he should be willing to discuss with you what you need in order to feel safe, loved, and supported. That includes defining what is and isn't OK, and discussing what it might look like in the future as he brings new lovers into the mix.
Feel free to ask him lots of questions. My experiences in non-monogamy taught me that it is mandatory that I step up and speak out on my behalf, even if it felt very uncomfortable to do so. Initiating this type of conversation, and seeing how he handles it, will tell you a LOT about the guy.
If he welcomes it and is open in hearing you out, that's good. If he gets twitchy or tries to hide behind his self-esteem issues or refuses to negotiate boundaries, that's not so good. I can't in good conscience suggest the oft-recommended "Ethical Slut" for someone in your situation -- or for anyone, really -- it's too rah-rah and aerie-faerie and glosses over the dark side of polyamory. It goes hand in hand with the soup labels. Just think about it. You better make damn sure this is the right person. Dating is essentially figuring out if that person is the one.
I actually enjoy being alone. Not saying which, but one of those is true. That decision is up to that person. Guilt only works for so long and then it wears out. My ideas are essentially the same with nonexclusive relationships. Although there is no formal agreement to be exclusive, how much you like that person decides your actions. We are only human. If we are nonexclusive and either one of us find out that someone else is in the picture, then more than likely some sharp words are going to be said.
It might even tip you over the breaking point and make you decide to be exclusive. You better lock that down then, son. From my experience, the threat of someone else coming into the picture is a quick way to decide how much you like this person. Now, if both of you are free-lovers and this is cool, then invite that person into your dating lives and live out in the mountains of Utah in a commune together.
The majority of people are unable to handle this. Although, I do know people who feel no type of jealousy towards this type of situation and they have both communicated with each other and been completely honest about their relationship. You fear that if you are open, then you will lose this person.