Dating a guy in aa

Dating Someone In AA

www.cantinesanpancrazio.it/components/niciruv/710-iphone-x.php The inability to draw a line under something, some day, some how wouldn't fit with me. It may not be a cult, but I think it's crippling to carry around until death the notion of personal weakness as a core and aspect of one's nature. Some Al-Anon addicts are scarier, however, those who take a genuine tragedy such as an alcoholic father and milk it for 25 adult years. People willing to make the problem of someone from their past as a focus for their own adult life are lacking in something.

I appreciate all of the input here. I don't really know anyone else who's in AA, so it made sense, despite what r24 might say, to turn to DataLounge-- there can be a lot of wisdom and experience here. I think I'm just going to be frank with him about my concerns. It's going to have to come up at some point. Op, I've been in recovery for a long while now, I have a stable and great relationship with my bf and the subject of "my recovery" rarely comes up any more.

I keep it to myself but I just must remind myself that I can't ever go back to my old way of life that I led 15 years ago that's all. I am a successful attorney and we have a wonderful life together. Please give your new man a chance at least. My bf gave me one and we are very happy together. You can't imagine how lucky I feel after reading all these posts. Time will tell how it will go with him. The reason you never "graduate" is not because you spend the rest of your life consumed by your personal failings, but because you just have to remember that you can't drink casually like most people can, any more than a coke addict could go back to "just a little blow on the weekends" or a gambling addict could go to a casino and "only play the slots.

OP, I guess I wonder why you need to know right now. Don't get serious for a while. Get to know him. It's just like anyone else. Of course there are. If you like him, give it a try. If not, dump now. I imagine most of the posters and OP would rather date guys who "party and play" every weekend - that meaning Thursday to Monday - and who feel that trust be expressed only by refusing to have safe sex.

When Should I Tell The Guy I'm Dating I'm In AA?

Seriously, you guys are so wrongheaded. I am sober and have been for a million years. I am sick and tired of getting to know nice guys in their 30s and 40s who have not managed to grow the fuck up, and stop using street drugs. Guys who openly continue to worship at the altar of circuit parties, teenaged girl behavior, and other dull and often dangerous beliefs.

I would give a guy with some sobriety under his belt a chance FIRST over the other lunkheads out there any day. Some people don't want to associate with anybody in AA because they're afraid it shines a light on their own active addictions. I'm supportive of those in AA, but frankly, I wouldn't get involved with someone who totally abstained from alcohol.

I can't imagine dating someone I couldn't share that pleasure with. He'll bore you to death with his judgments about people who drink. He probably has transmuted his compulsion to something else: The only thing worse that dating somebody obsessed with his "recovery" is dating a pretentious wine snob, R People in recovery run the gamut from not tolerating even being in the room with alcohol to being comfortable in a social situation with alcohol around. You need to feel him out and learn more about his situation. Please tell me specifically what I said that makes me a 'pretentious wine snob'.

I simply enjoy drinking wine - cheap stuff, expensive stuff, all of it. I don't think my 'palate' is particularly good, and I enjoy sharing it will all types of people. What makes me a 'snob'? However, as a person in the program, I do see people who take it too far, who make it the center of their lives, rather than a means by which to enhance their lives.

And I agree with R21 in that some of the kindest, most honest and forgiving people whom I've ever met, I have met in the rooms. They are spiritual, yet humble. They know what it is to fall and pick themselves back up and try again. What do they say, "religion is for those afraid of hell, spirituality is for those who have been to hell and survived.

The question is, what's HE like in his recovery, as opposed to "alcoholics" in general?

Dating Someone In AA

There are the folks who try to manipulate others by making everything about their "sobriety" Daniel Baldwin on Celebrity Rehab, anyone? Or, in the case of a chronic condition, a diabetic checking his blood or an asthmatic using an inhaler. If it's a part of his life that lets him get on with being who he is, and you like that person, why not see where it goes? If he's someone who's still got lots of issues even without the drinking, maybe take a pass.

I have a number of friends who have been in both NA and AA and none of them have exhibited any of the nonsense you people are spewing.

How to Date Someone in Alcoholics Anonymous (When You’re Not)

They worked hard for their sobriety. Any reference of the program was a great talking point for us to delve into the whole idea of higher power, taking responsibility and a bunch of other things. None give a crap about anyone else drinking around them. I had a roommate last year who never shut up about "livin clean and sober", would go to at least one meeting a day, and if I had friends over and we were having wine or cocktails he would get so fucking flustered.

Commenting about how he could, "smell the alcohol". Next day he would comment things like, "boy you guys drank a lot of wine" and then show me the two bottles in the recycling bin. That guy sounds like an ass, but he is not indiciative of the people who I know from NA. It is the ones who go over the top with it that are unbearable A social drinker is acceptable to me, an over the top sloppy drunk is not. I have a co-worker who's in AA and she's an insufferable bore.

Talks to her sponsor loudly twice a day, attends at least five meetings a week and she's been sober for five years. She's just the latest example of a horrible AA person I've encountered. I'm sure there are ones who have recovered successfully and have not chosen AA as their new addiction but I have yet to meet one. R 48 echoes my experience. It's not something you broadcast to everyone, unless it is in an intimate relationship. If you like the person, go for it, the rest will sort itself out.

AA has helped a lot of people, but some people can't resist talking about it all over the place, which is kinda not the point. The best people live their lives and let others do the same unless specifically asked for their opinion. Would you rather see these people die from a disease they have no control over or seek help from a program that works if followed earnestly and correctly? I have never in my life seen such a bunch of intolerent queens. Shame on you nay sayers.

As gay men you should show a little more tolerence at the very least. The gay AA meetings in Greenwich Village are packed to the walls with gay men on the weekend and evenings so we know a very large percentage of us are in recovery.

As long as the AA member shuts the fuck up about it, they're fine. Most won't shut the fuck up about it. Most have a new obsession which is just as annoying to everyone else. I know a guy who is in AA and now all of a sudden no one can use any type of cleaning agent around him and he lectures people about the poisons in their soap and shampoo. My feelings are that there are one or 2 posters who are bashing over and over again on this thread. Having said that, I have been sober more than 10 yrs. Not my entire life.

People may be a little zealous at first, and pontificate, but alot of that is finally feeling anything again. Balance is a big part of recovery. We are just people,not any better or worse. I certainly would rather meet someone over coffee than tweaked out at the West Side Club 4: Two of my friends have been sober and in AA now for 15 years. Neither of them are religious and in fact, they hate it when some of the AA members get all religious.

However, they realize that AA and recovery means different things for different people. They don't put those people down. AA has worked for them. I am a social drinker and it doesn't bother either of them when I have a drink when we eat out. Look at this thread. More than half of the poster are attacking AA and those in recovery using AA.

I wonder how many of them have been to AA or Alanon or are in recovery from alcohol or drugs. Most of the people who go to step meetings are anonymous. You know a lot of them, but you don't know who they are. They do not turn individuals into self centered cultists who have replaced substance abuse with meetings.

AA does not require belief in God or religion- although you can make case for it being a spiritual program. My advise to you OP- is to date this guy if you like him. He will reveal his wishes vis a vis your drinking. My guess is that he will not try to influence you one way or the other. He is neither better nor worse than any other person. I would put very little stock in most of the replies you have received on this thread. Pay attention to what those who attend AA say. All others do not know much about recovery from alcoholism or AA.

That is a load of bullshit. Every experience I've had with people in AA has been the complete opposite. Resent people who have more fun than they do. This has been my experience. Why not make up your own mind and go by how he treats you and makes you feel?

Maybe he's a great guy, maybe not. Yes, there are some crazy people in AA. These are people you would not want to date, whether or not they were "in the rooms". Anybody who "lectures people about the poisons in their soap and shampoo" is clearly in this category. There are also many people who have used the tools in AA to stop drinking and who are well adjusted and more importantly sober. It's really not hard to tell the difference between a crazy person AA or no and a normal person again, AA or no. Don't use membership in AA as a shorthand, OP. Personally, and this is just my opinion, but when I was looking for my current boyfriend who happens to not be in AA I began my search in the rooms of AA because some of the nicest and most well adjusted guys I had ever met were in those rooms.

Also the funniest, the quickest with a joke, the most fun to be around and none needed a drink. I was so sick of the bar seen at that point anyway it was refreshing to do something with someone who could care less about a bar and rather go to the Chelsea piers or a movie instead. My best friend is in AA and he's one of the most well adjusted, smartest, funniest people I know. You know what's funny?

I also no really great people that have never been to AA and there are some people I hate that have also never gone. The only people I know who are nervous about AA are those who have an issue with their own drinking. Chances are if he doesn't drink he probably won't wanna do tina on friday nights either. Not everyone who is in AA is a zealot, just like not everyone who has ever been drunk is an alkie. I have been sober almost 10 years now. I am a fall down drunk whether or not I ever have another drink again. My girlfriend is an occasional drinker and yes, she sometimes over does it.

I am the alcoholic not her. If you drink around him he may or may not be cool with it. Does he get freaked out by others drinking or being around any kind of alcohol? We are all human and have our quirks but the addictive personality is what it is. I went to AA meetings on a regular basis for a year. All I managed to learn is that it is a religious experience, plain and simple. I don't want to hear any bull shit that your higher power can be a paper clip or a flower pot. It means God and probably the Xtian one at that. As gay people we are rarely accepted by any church and this is one.

Guys who openly continue to worship at the altar of circuit parties, teenaged girl behavior, and other dull and often dangerous beliefs. I would give a guy with some sobriety under his belt a chance FIRST over the other lunkheads out there any day. Some people don't want to associate with anybody in AA because they're afraid it shines a light on their own active addictions.

I'm supportive of those in AA, but frankly, I wouldn't get involved with someone who totally abstained from alcohol. I can't imagine dating someone I couldn't share that pleasure with. He'll bore you to death with his judgments about people who drink. He probably has transmuted his compulsion to something else: The only thing worse that dating somebody obsessed with his "recovery" is dating a pretentious wine snob, R People in recovery run the gamut from not tolerating even being in the room with alcohol to being comfortable in a social situation with alcohol around.

You need to feel him out and learn more about his situation. Please tell me specifically what I said that makes me a 'pretentious wine snob'. I simply enjoy drinking wine - cheap stuff, expensive stuff, all of it. I don't think my 'palate' is particularly good, and I enjoy sharing it will all types of people. What makes me a 'snob'? However, as a person in the program, I do see people who take it too far, who make it the center of their lives, rather than a means by which to enhance their lives.

And I agree with R21 in that some of the kindest, most honest and forgiving people whom I've ever met, I have met in the rooms. They are spiritual, yet humble. They know what it is to fall and pick themselves back up and try again. What do they say, "religion is for those afraid of hell, spirituality is for those who have been to hell and survived. The question is, what's HE like in his recovery, as opposed to "alcoholics" in general?

There are the folks who try to manipulate others by making everything about their "sobriety" Daniel Baldwin on Celebrity Rehab, anyone? Or, in the case of a chronic condition, a diabetic checking his blood or an asthmatic using an inhaler. If it's a part of his life that lets him get on with being who he is, and you like that person, why not see where it goes? If he's someone who's still got lots of issues even without the drinking, maybe take a pass.

I have a number of friends who have been in both NA and AA and none of them have exhibited any of the nonsense you people are spewing. They worked hard for their sobriety. Any reference of the program was a great talking point for us to delve into the whole idea of higher power, taking responsibility and a bunch of other things. None give a crap about anyone else drinking around them. I had a roommate last year who never shut up about "livin clean and sober", would go to at least one meeting a day, and if I had friends over and we were having wine or cocktails he would get so fucking flustered.

Commenting about how he could, "smell the alcohol". Next day he would comment things like, "boy you guys drank a lot of wine" and then show me the two bottles in the recycling bin. That guy sounds like an ass, but he is not indiciative of the people who I know from NA. It is the ones who go over the top with it that are unbearable A social drinker is acceptable to me, an over the top sloppy drunk is not. I have a co-worker who's in AA and she's an insufferable bore. Talks to her sponsor loudly twice a day, attends at least five meetings a week and she's been sober for five years.

She's just the latest example of a horrible AA person I've encountered. I'm sure there are ones who have recovered successfully and have not chosen AA as their new addiction but I have yet to meet one. R 48 echoes my experience. It's not something you broadcast to everyone, unless it is in an intimate relationship. If you like the person, go for it, the rest will sort itself out. AA has helped a lot of people, but some people can't resist talking about it all over the place, which is kinda not the point. The best people live their lives and let others do the same unless specifically asked for their opinion.

Would you rather see these people die from a disease they have no control over or seek help from a program that works if followed earnestly and correctly? I have never in my life seen such a bunch of intolerent queens. Shame on you nay sayers. As gay men you should show a little more tolerence at the very least. The gay AA meetings in Greenwich Village are packed to the walls with gay men on the weekend and evenings so we know a very large percentage of us are in recovery.

As long as the AA member shuts the fuck up about it, they're fine. Most won't shut the fuck up about it. Most have a new obsession which is just as annoying to everyone else. I know a guy who is in AA and now all of a sudden no one can use any type of cleaning agent around him and he lectures people about the poisons in their soap and shampoo. My feelings are that there are one or 2 posters who are bashing over and over again on this thread.

Having said that, I have been sober more than 10 yrs. Not my entire life. People may be a little zealous at first, and pontificate, but alot of that is finally feeling anything again. Balance is a big part of recovery.

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We are just people,not any better or worse. I certainly would rather meet someone over coffee than tweaked out at the West Side Club 4: Two of my friends have been sober and in AA now for 15 years. Neither of them are religious and in fact, they hate it when some of the AA members get all religious. However, they realize that AA and recovery means different things for different people. They don't put those people down. AA has worked for them.

I am a social drinker and it doesn't bother either of them when I have a drink when we eat out. Look at this thread. More than half of the poster are attacking AA and those in recovery using AA. I wonder how many of them have been to AA or Alanon or are in recovery from alcohol or drugs. Most of the people who go to step meetings are anonymous. You know a lot of them, but you don't know who they are. They do not turn individuals into self centered cultists who have replaced substance abuse with meetings.

Ready to start? We're here for you.

AA does not require belief in God or religion- although you can make case for it being a spiritual program. My advise to you OP- is to date this guy if you like him. He will reveal his wishes vis a vis your drinking. My guess is that he will not try to influence you one way or the other. He is neither better nor worse than any other person. I would put very little stock in most of the replies you have received on this thread. Pay attention to what those who attend AA say. All others do not know much about recovery from alcoholism or AA.

That is a load of bullshit. Every experience I've had with people in AA has been the complete opposite. Resent people who have more fun than they do. This has been my experience. Why not make up your own mind and go by how he treats you and makes you feel? Maybe he's a great guy, maybe not. Yes, there are some crazy people in AA. These are people you would not want to date, whether or not they were "in the rooms". Anybody who "lectures people about the poisons in their soap and shampoo" is clearly in this category.

There are also many people who have used the tools in AA to stop drinking and who are well adjusted and more importantly sober. It's really not hard to tell the difference between a crazy person AA or no and a normal person again, AA or no. Don't use membership in AA as a shorthand, OP. Personally, and this is just my opinion, but when I was looking for my current boyfriend who happens to not be in AA I began my search in the rooms of AA because some of the nicest and most well adjusted guys I had ever met were in those rooms.

Also the funniest, the quickest with a joke, the most fun to be around and none needed a drink. I was so sick of the bar seen at that point anyway it was refreshing to do something with someone who could care less about a bar and rather go to the Chelsea piers or a movie instead. My best friend is in AA and he's one of the most well adjusted, smartest, funniest people I know. You know what's funny?

That might mean having a real conversation about your role in their recovery, but it can also sometimes mean walking away from the situation. I have no problem with AA or NA, and they've helped a number of people I know, including a close family member whose life was totally transformed for the better once he admitted the alcohol and drug problem he'd kept hidden for years and entered NA. OP, I would just play it by ear. And I've never set foot in an AA meeting. It's just like anyone else.

I also no really great people that have never been to AA and there are some people I hate that have also never gone. The only people I know who are nervous about AA are those who have an issue with their own drinking. Chances are if he doesn't drink he probably won't wanna do tina on friday nights either.

Not everyone who is in AA is a zealot, just like not everyone who has ever been drunk is an alkie. I have been sober almost 10 years now. I am a fall down drunk whether or not I ever have another drink again. My girlfriend is an occasional drinker and yes, she sometimes over does it. I am the alcoholic not her. If you drink around him he may or may not be cool with it.

Does he get freaked out by others drinking or being around any kind of alcohol? We are all human and have our quirks but the addictive personality is what it is. I went to AA meetings on a regular basis for a year. All I managed to learn is that it is a religious experience, plain and simple. I don't want to hear any bull shit that your higher power can be a paper clip or a flower pot. It means God and probably the Xtian one at that. As gay people we are rarely accepted by any church and this is one. When anyone bows down and prays to the sobriety God, they are losing a part of themselves.

AA teaches that everyone is an alcoholic and weak. It teaches them to accept and identify themselves in negative terms. AA saves lives but it destroys a person's endividuality and self-esteem. The longer they can keep you down, the longer they can keep you in their cult. I'd rather date an alcoholic who drinks and has confidence and self-respects than a pontificating, judgemental victim.

I agree with the others who say RUN!!! R75's rant, with its spelling and grammatical errors, its leaps in logic, its hysterical tone and its general ignorance, is far more instructive that the "advice" it contains. R68 here, posting 1st time as well. Sorry for the spelling error, I was in a hurry when I posted. I have no problem with AA or NA, and they've helped a number of people I know, including a close family member whose life was totally transformed for the better once he admitted the alcohol and drug problem he'd kept hidden for years and entered NA.

One of my friends even has a fairly well-known gay celebrity as his sponsor. No, I am not naming him, and I think it was a mistake for my friend to name him in the first place, even if the guy is openly a former alcoholic and addict. That said, R74 nailed it. And, frankly, I like to drink and would feel self-conscious being intimately involved with someone who I thought "looked down" on me for it.

Thanks again for all the responses. I respect anyone that tries to improve his or her life. AA makes me nervous because it seems to have a dogma that stays with people their whole lives. I don't like any kind of group think including religion, political parties, etc.

I don't like the idea of not being able to share a bottle of wine with the guy, but I'm absolutely going to go out with the guy again. Mostly, I just wanted to see what people's experiences were. My lover was a member of AA. He was the most beautiful person I ever met. He helped several of my friends and sponsored them in AA. I am Irish and like to drink. He thought of me as his surrogate drinker and loved pouring drinks into me. The sex was phenomenal and I was never happier. But more often than not, they will probably be happy you asked because it reflects the fact that you care and are trying your best to understand them and their lifestyle.

Asking questions will help you gain a better understanding of your partner and likely make future discussions easier. Or maybe all your partner needs from you is for you to check in once in awhile and make sure they feel good and on track. These types of things may seem small to you, but could affect your partner greatly, so taking the time to ask could make a big difference in the relationship. But these are a starting point and offer a good foundation on which to build a relationship.

Mental Health First Aid. Don't wait another day. Help is a phone call away. Written by Beth Leipholtz. Have a conversation to set some ground rules.