With BPD, being alone is particularly difficult. You start thinking, and thinking leads to long, painful nights. More often than not, you dream of the individual you lost. Fill it with pillows. Fill it with stuffed animals. Fill it with a cardboard cutout of Leo DiCaprio. Try your best to love being alone. There IS a silver lining. Reminders like this will keep coming back, and you just have to do what you can to distance yourself from them to avoid strong emotional triggers.
There is a book of exercises to help with any bad impulses and it really helps, called The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook that you can also look into for extra help! Look at it this way: Someone who was bad for you is out of your life. So now is the time to surround yourself with people who inspire you to be better and who support you! Your disorder and your feelings are nothing to be afraid or ashamed of.
You did not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence may be exacerbating the BPD's response. You may also find that a partner with BPD may leave YOU suddenly, and for no apparent reason, due to the stress of alternating feelings of "too much closeness" and fear of abandonment. Fear that the partner might commit suicide if you leave.
You are not responsible for another person's actions. Some people with BPD use the threat of suicide to prevent their biggest fear: But while threatening suicide, they may also be making long-term arrangements, having affairs to replace you, even, as one woman found, pocketing away common money for the impending divorce.
However, if a threat is actually attempted, do not hesitate to bring in not only medical personnel, but police. You cannot shoulder on yourself the responsibilities of doctors and legal authorities. If the partner is in therapy, alert the therapist to any suggestion of suicide. Fear that your partner may hurt themselves in other ways. A well-known BPD trait is "self-mutilation", whereby the distressed person cuts or otherwise mutilates their own body in an effort to escape inner pain. Always alert your partner's doctor or therapist if you see this happening, or even if it is merely threatened.
Even if you stay undecided about leaving, always have a "sudden exit strategy" in place. Have a packed suitcase, spare money, essential items in one place, and a safe residence to go on a moment's notice. Do not tolerate physical abuse or even the threat of it; leave immediately.
When a BPD partner is raging, they are not thinking clearly, and you should definitely leave the situation, if only temporarily, until the partner calms down. If you make a habit of this, they will also be less suspicious when it is time to make your final departure. The best way to leave a partner with BPD is through careful planning.
Once you have made the decision to leave, you should take the following steps before you leave:. Keep the "sudden exit strategy" in place and even start adding to it with more details You do not ideally want to leave on the spur of the moment, but keep in mind that people with BPD fear abandonment, and therefore may worsen their behavior if any whiff of your intention to leave is detected.
Consult a therapist about your situation. Therapy will help you deal with the emotional abuse characteristic of relationships with BPD, and provide a safe and assuring environment in which to talk over your feelings about the partner. You may also learn ways of coping and reacting to the disorder that shield both you and your partner. Question the therapist beforehand about their knowledge of BPD; the disorder is not so widely known that you can assume they are familiar with its particular issues.
If your partner is in therapy, tell their therapist about your intention of leaving. An ethical therapist will NOT tell your partner of your intent, but can help prepare them for the event, easing not only your departure, but also your ex-partner's reaction to the change.
There are many legal ramifications of leaving your own home, or forcing an abusive partner to leave a shared home. If you are not legally married, you may not have the normal court protections. Lawyers are also useful in discussing such issues as possible restraining orders. If you are planning divorce it is very important that you make legal moves carefully before you make your intentions known to your partner. There is also the possibility of counter-lawsuits from the abandoned party against which you may have to defend yourself.
Since laws vary from state to state, and country to country, and you may find conflicting advice from friends and family over these laws, give full weight to your lawyer's advice. Document as fully as you can the abusive actions of your partner! Keep a diary of strange behavior. This will be valuable evidence in case authorities "do not believe you" or if the person with BPD makes false accusations or blames you for the breakup. Given that BPD behavior is more commonly witnessed by the partner, while the person with BPD may act normally in front of others, you may need backup to your claims of abusive behaviors as others may not believe you.
You may also find that referring to your documentation strengthens your resolve to leave. Take all your personal posessions with you when you leave You do not want to be "held hostage" to personal items that you may want to retrieve later; you may even find them missing or destroyed. Once again, consult a lawyer over the legal ramifications of abandoning or taking mutual property.
Instead of taking everything at once, you may decide to move individual items one at a time, especially personal items, or those useful in an independent living situation or "sudden exit". Be careful, however, not to tip off your partner of your intention of leaving by removing everything at once, or obvious items that suggest you are leaving. Do not prematurely tell the person with BPD that you are leaving! It will backfire as a threat due, once again, to the sometimes extreme reactions of the disorder. Because people with BPD tend to "act out" their disorder more around people they know, you will be inhibiting that behavior by having strangers around you.
Dating and Relationships People with BPD (Generalizing here, not all or in the same ways and strength) project a lot . Learn to move on with online therapy. “It's hard being in a relationship with someone who suffers from BPD. he and his girlfriend have moved past the early days of butterflies and.
Friends may volunteer their help, but you are better off paying for a moving company to aid you -- this not only makes the move happen quickly, it also furnishes strangers who can witness any bad reactions. A BPD person caught off-guard, in the presence of strangers, and during a sudden, quickly-occurring move, is safer than a BPD person who has had time to prepare their response! Let both your workplace AND the police know about your impending departure ahead of time.
As abandoned BPDs may start a "smear" campaign against you -- they may even call the police on YOU -- this helps to short-circuit that attempt. Have your documentation of the abusive behavior at hand. Police may be puzzled why you are still in the abusive situation, and think you simply need an escort back to the premises to pick up your stuff, so make them very aware that the real danger with BPD is not so much in the staying, but the act of leaving!
Have them arrive shortly before the movers to either witness as strangers, or to talk to the BPD partner and warn them about doing anything rash. Remember, as a taxpayer, you have the right to ask for a police escort at any time. If they are having an affair, DO NOT have an affair yourself, as you may find the reaction much greater than you anticipated especially from one who is indulging in the same behavior!
Likewise, you may find any distrust of you turned into material for a "smear" campaign as listed above. Due to the nature of BPD, you may be "hoovered" at the time of leaving or afterwards. This means your partner will suddenly be on their best behavior in an attempt to suck you back into the relationship. Keep in mind the cycle of their behavior; even when things return to "good", they will also return to "bad", and the fear of abandonment may make the "bad" even worse when it returns!
To guard against the "hoover", you may want to NOT leave a forwarding address or phone number. If you MUST do so, leave the number of a "neutral" third party, such as your lawyer or a mutual friend who can screen what is a reasonable and what is an abusive request. Concentrate on the "right now" Instead of letting all the preparation overwhelm you, make a list, and follow it one step at a time.
Unless there is the real threat of physical violence, you have all the time you need to prepare.
What originally felt like could be a warm place of understanding and support between us really seemed to drive us apart. YOU are a trigger of the illness! The audience the arquebuses through one pine ex the tungsten, whilst the departments by the after dating other did differently neutralize hard rag. There are times [when our relationship] has plummeted to the depths whereby we were both ready to give up. I need advice on moving forward after a toxic and controlling relationship.
Always be aware that the time shortly before and after leaving may be the most dangerous period of all. As people with BPD are very sensitive to being abandoned, they may increase their strange or abusive behavior beforehand or afterwards, and even exhibit symptoms you have not yet seen, such as suicidal gestures or threats against your person or belongings. Once again, take everything you rightfully own with you. Even if the person with BPD expresses a desire for you to leave, they may still latch upon your remaining possessions as a "hostage" in an attempt to keep you in contact.
Or, they may rage against the departure and destroy or throw away any item that reminds them of you. Since some people with BPD have trouble "remembering how they feel" about other people, they may show a strong unwillingness to part with items that remind them of their partner.
Even people with BPD who want you to leave may be tense or, possibly, temporarily psychotic as you pack. If you can, pack and move when they are not present. If you are unsure whether they will be present or not, have strangers on hand as a means of keeping the BPD in check people with BPD who cannot control their rages in front of you may sometimes show remarkable restraint in the presence of strangers.
Once again, as a citizen you have the right to request a police escort in or out of a potentially abusive situation -- use it! Do not linger after packing or make much of your going. This may only increase the stress of the BPD partner and thereby cause a rage or short psychotic episode.
It will not do your stress any good either. As noted before, you may want to avoid leaving your new address or even phone number behind with the BPD partner. This lessens the chance of their playing upon your own ambivalence about the move and courting you back into the abusive relationship, or of venting their anger on you later.
If you must stay in contact, call them from a safe place, or leave a third party's phone number behind as the mediator. Do not meet alone, either, if you must, but have an outside observer, preferably a stranger-to-the-BPD, on hand. Those with shared children may still need to maintain some contact. In this situation, keep the conversations strictly on the topic of the children, and if the former partner starts getting personal about your relationship, cut the conversation short.
The same advice goes for e-mail; if it gets personal, send a short, concise message back, then delete the offending e-mail. Send unofficial postal letters back, "return to sender", and unopened; or, if your attorney has asked you for documentation, you might consider forwarding all mail unopened to your attorney.