But I had this teacher, Dr. He used to be a preacher, so he was long winded. But he had this habit that came in handy for us. If something was going to be on the test, he would repeat it three times in that loud, hellfire and damnation sort of way. So, when I tell you that you have to treat re-connecting with your ex as a sensitive matter, I mean it.
When you reach out to her, you must do so as a friend. You must treat her with respect. That means respecting her decisions as well. At this moment that seems impossible. As humans, we are slaves to our emotions. James Gorce, a Standford Psychologist, proposed a 4-tier model of what comes into play when our emotions are provoked.
It begs the question, how do you modify the model to keep your emotions from governing your response. It IS possible to teach yourself how to overcome that instinct by putting a modified behavior into play. Basically, you create a set of rules in your mind. When one thing happens, your mind automatically springs into action. Yes, she liked who you were before.
So, decide who you want to be. As I said earlier in the list, becoming interesting, mysterious, and better are surefire ways to attract her attention and have her thinking getting back together is a good idea, even if she is with your friend for now.
Trust me, it ay be ard for you to hear, but even the happiest woman looks back on their past relationships and wonders what could have been and if things had worked out differently where would they be now. So, decide what you would like to show for your efforts when you reach out to her using the tactics laid out in ExGirlfriend Recovery Pro and The Texting Bible.
Put all of your efforts into becoming this person, even if it seems impossible. Any efforts you make will not go unnoticed. Keep in mind that when you DO reach out, your goal should be simply to reconnect.
In friendships, there are the best of times, and the worst of times. And then there are those awful, unpoetic moments that even a great mind like. Do nothing. What I'm about to write is only my way of seeing things and true to my own characteristic style of writing. No offense to be taken, neither read in a.
When you reconnect with her it needs to be obvious that you have not just been sitting around sulking. Basically just DO something. Feel free to let me know your thoughts in the comments below. Products About Quiz Contact. I have a unique perspective on this topic.
The conversation looked like this: I think you are confused. Try this on for size.
You are presuming that Mike owed you some sort of interaction about this, and you are disappointed you didn't get it. Ok, now you also call yourself an introvert. If the shoe were on the other foot, and you were dating Mike's ex, would it have occurred to you that you owed Mike a conversation? Ok, if it did Would you feel eager to have that conversation? Maybe Mike or Jane is going through that. If there's tension in the room, it maybe ain't just yours.
Or for that matter, they could have tension you do not. Some of the tension might be imagined worry over what the other might think. You can look to the past and count all the ways your feelings hurt. Or you can look to the future and decide what kind of relationship you'd like to have with them going forward. The clearer and more self-true you are on this, the better it will work. And then you can outreach them and figure out where they're at. It may be they are relieved to know that what they presumed to be a problem for you is in fact not. Also, cut your ex some slack.
It's hard to navigate them well even when both of you have the best character and intentions. It's the human condition but it doesn't define our choices. Thank you for your interest in this question. Because it has attracted low-quality or spam answers that had to be removed, posting an answer now requires 10 reputation on this site the association bonus does not count. Would you like to answer one of these unanswered questions instead?
Home Questions Tags Users Unanswered. How to interact with a friend dating my ex-girlfriend when we hang out? Background Jane and I belonged to the same group of friends since childhood. Problem Her dating Mike, in fact, did not surprise me that much. I'm voting to close this question as off-topic because we cannot give relationship advice.
Questions at IPS require a goal we can address within the context of interpersonal skills. First of all, please narrow this down to 1 question, so the extra questions bit has to go. What exactly is your goal here?
Why are you asking us, and what are you asking us for help with? Do you want to have a frank talk with Mike about not telling you, so that hopefully things are talked out before you ever have to interact with both of them? Do you want to 'act normally' which we can't answer since we don't know what's normal for you? Tinkeringbell I edited out the extra question. What I want is to keep my friends including Mike and basically not address the fact of them dating.
Dealing with related issues myself, so my heart really goes out to you, but like the above comments - you have to figure out what you want to do first, and then we can help you figure out how. EmC Thank you for input. I don't have to stay in contact with them, but I want to. Yes, by keeping the friends, I meant keep hanging out with them, I edited the question to be more clear about that. I'll start out by quoting apaul's very gracious answer: They're not dating to hurt you So if you want to clear the air: If the talk goes well, fantastic, you figured out how to act around each other in the future.
This is an excellent answer. In addition to just making valid points, you actually propose solutions with different outcomes in mind. I will probably try this approach soon. If nothing, at least I will know I was the person to go out of my way and try to make things work.
Here are some hard facts: You may want to know how this eventually played out. As much as I didn't like it at first, you were right. I couldn't stay near these people. I cut ties with all of them except one, with whom I occasionally meet, but don't talk about the rest. As you said, I moved, got a new job and focused on my hobby.
I am getting better for myself. Often the best advice is the one you don't ask for and like the least. The times I found myself in your position, there was usually the instinct to think and sometimes say: How could they do that to ME? With all of that out of the way, your question was: In my opinion this demonstrates a complete lack of self respect. Keeping someone who betrays your trust so completely around, and acting like it's a sign of maturity is simply self-delusion.
I'd like to point out this isn't some "Controlling who my ex dates" topic. This is me venting about how im dealing with someone who i thought was my friend pulling a very shady and asshole move. I'm a high school senior 18 and earlier this school year i broke up with my girlfriend of almost 2 years. Lets just say her name is "Mia". Mia and i started dating around the half way point of first semester sophomore year and had been inseparable ever since.
Until the summer before senior year when we had a bit of an argument about something petty. She said somethings and i said some back and that somehow lead up to us not talking for a few weeks. She texted me after saying she was sorry and felt that we should spend the rest of the summer to ourselves because we had clearly been lacking the alone time and summer would be over in a about month but we would still be in contact with each other via text or call.
I enjoyed this time alone. Unfortunately i had grown more and more fond of being alone and less of being with her, where id have to sacrifice what i liked doing sometime just to satisfy her and didn't feel she was doing the same for me. It gave me time to think and evaluate the relationship and ultimately lead to me considering breaking up. I had begun losing attraction to her and just didn't feel the same way about her. As i always did when i was forced to make a tough choice i turned to my best friend, Dre. I told Dre what was up and he listened and when i asked what did he think i should do he told me if my heart it's in it anymore then why lead her on.
So made my choice and broke up with her a week before school started. Everything was find the first week, but then i noticed Dre and Mia were hanging out an awful lot. A month went by and they had been hanging out more and more and we began to speak less i began to suspect something so i asked my other friends what was up. One friend in particular, Jake, who i was close to as well was telling me "Nah man Dre wouldn't do that.
Thats shady, Dre's better than that" I dismissed their comments though. Why would they being hanging out so much. Jake thought i was over reacting and said he'd talk to him and see what was up. Then he told be the big news, yeah i was right they were dating, and have been since the first week of senior year, a week after Dre and i discussed me to break up with her and the subsequent event. He also said that he had no plans to tell me, ever. I felt so betrayed. A week after i broke up with my girlfriend of almost 2 years and he asks her out.
And she says yes to top it off. It made me even more suspicious. Could she have been cheating on me with him? Could they have planned this? I know i cant tell people who to date but damn. There has to be some level of respect or at least honesty between friends to ask before pulling that and damn sure not to be the one my girlfriend is cheating on me with. I feel so betrayed but most of all i feel happy and relieved that i was able to remove two toxic people from my life before i had to go out into the world as an adult. Wow the comments here are retarded. OP can't tell her who to date but that doesn't mean this is ok.
Just because he broke up doesn't mean he no longer has feelings. Of couse he also feels betrayed by his best friend, it's a very asshole move. I wouldn't do this to my best friend. OP you seem to handle this ok. The pain and feeling of betrayel will fade. Cut contact with both, try to be happy, and act like you don't care, it is the best revange. You guys need to rethink your friendships.
Whether we're okay with it or not is irrelevant. We're really saying that if its a choice between a "best friend" and getting laid, the "best friend" code doesn't stand a snowballs chance in hell. Maybe its just me, but I have found getting laid pretty easier in my younger years. I would have never sacrificed a friendship to bust a nut but then again, some people here are just too desperate. I think it shows how little some people on reddit are getting laid that they would sacrifice a friendship for it. I don't think i mentioned it, or at least i think i did, but i in no way shape or fashion said im trying to control who she dates.
Why the fuck would i do that, that is petty and childish. My issue is with HIM not her. If the situation was reversed people would be calling the guy out, saying ya, he's just trying to get you back by dating your friend. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills, but amoung friends, isn't it common sense to keep away from ex's? Emotions don't just go away, I'm sure his "friend" is being super helpful by dating the OP's ex and keeping her in his life so he can be reminded of her on a daily basis. From my understanding, FRIENDS are supposed to take care of each other, this guy is not your friend, he placed his dick over your emotional well being.
There are a million people out there to date and he chooses one the you just broke up with. I see people saying, "oh you broke up with her", so what?? You're now out of toxicity with people. At this point, would it change anything besides tarnishing two years and making you feel vindicated? The bad news, is that that betrayal often comes from the anger that we trusted the wrong type of individuals.
Luckily, you'll have only a few more months of having to be around these people geographically.