When they try to fix me, they harbor false hope that I can be normal some day. We just cope — that simply means, the traits never go away, we just try to work around it to suit the neurotypical friends and partner.
We can learn to cope better, but that is all we could do. We cope; coping on an everyday basis, is mentally exhausting. He was attracted to the witty girl and her quirks were refreshing, he was curious and intrigued by her qualities and possibly eccentricities. The girl with the unique characteristics and personality traits never get better like he expected or hoped. Even the professed love and patience are not enough to see the journey through. My previous date never once tried to read up the books that I have. The misconception is that people think we choose to be what we are.
They think we choose not to socialize — and that is true, because socializing can be emotionally draining and painful. Socializing skills come naturally for the neurotypical like breathing. I realized that as much as I enjoy aloneness, this journey has always been lonely. I learn by heart and apply the responses and behaviors by matching with previously learned examples and experiences. This gets better with time — that is why, many matured Aspies do not get diagnosed because they have learned to work around the challenges, and minimize social activities, so, they cope, not cured.
Similar to the game, when the game characters converse with one another, the text is in the foreign language when I say, foreign, I mean foreign, there is no learning, a learned foreign language is a familiar language. It can be frustrating, probably derived from the cold loneliness knowing that except for the same kind, the majority group may never understand.
I will have to pretend to be normal because the minority is expected to accommodate. An example is when I was a child. They demand something in the exact way they will not get it: What is important to recognize is that these challenges are problems all couples face, just not in the same way.
No one should simply be the one to accommodate, while their partner is catered to. And AS by their very requirements to live in the NT world make continuous adjustments and adaptations. But love, true crazy love, has people working really really hard to make the other person happy, because it makes THEM happy to see their partner smile or laugh.
That we all share. It is that profound disappointment that can help you to emotionally grow. And the deep love you feel that allows you to recognize that the relationship, as it is, not the way you expect it to be , is enough for you. As a neurotypical female engaged to an AS male..
The fact that he managed to love my daughter at the same time amazes me. We now have two children together and even when he has his difficult days, he tries so hard to be there for everyone. So yes it is definitely worth it to find an Aspie. I think for an autistic person, socializing is like communicating through text messages because they have a hard time with reading social cues.
As an NT who has been in two long-term relationships with an asperger partner, I think what is being completely overlooked in how aspergers can be detrimental in relationships for NT partners is that the basis of the interactions simply are NOT REAL. Eventually, an occasional situation will expose what the asperger partner really feels and this can be shocking to say the least.
This undercurrent creates what feels like being actors in a play; dissonance, confusion and what may seem like insanity for the NTs. I know this from personal experience.
When people try to correct them, they might develop a habit of suppressing their emotions to hide their facial expressions. Their brains are wired differently. To make their expressions look normal, they have to fake it which may be superficial. I think you are often dealing with a person who has been traumatized, Terry. They are play-acting to avoid being hurt again. They have learned from their past that saying what they actually want or actually feel actually ended up in them getting clobbered.
So they are superficially compliant and then do what they can get away with doing; when no one is looking. I play act if I am trying to get by and keep my head low. And I want you to be happy too. Hello, I am a Aspie. I have never had much luck in asking a girl that I liked out. That gap always seem to wide for me to ask.
Birds of a feather flock together-If you want a healthy relationship, you need to become healthy yourself. Sensory Issues They can have sensory problems. Thanks for your long and thoughtful comment. I think for an autistic person, socializing is like communicating through text messages because they have a hard time with reading social cues. Aspergers adults will be discouraged from seeking a diagnosis or confiding their condition in others. It really sounds like you are saying that. You may not like certain characteristics and behaviors, but if they are associated with how you were taken care of and loved growing up you may be drawn to people who exhibit those behaviors.
You always risk annoying anyone when you ask anything, but hey, you can always ask. You can make it less threatening too by asking to go out in a group, like: Did you want to go? Get your feet wet. By the way we both are 28years old. But otherwise i feel stupid to be afraid of something that didnt even happend to me…. But otherwise,i am very happy with my AS boyfriend. He is my best friend. Sometimes i need more expression of feelings from him.
Will you have problems at some point? Still, I wish I knew 13 years ago before having kids what I know now. I wish I was aware of it and what it is…Because, I would run away as far as I could and I would never look back!!! Life is too short. Do not fool yourself. And perhaps if he realized how you would have responded to him over time, he might have made a different choice too.
Contempt is like throwing acid on love. Marriage is a series of accepting differences, and working with them. They would have understood, and that understanding would have facilitated their communication. You can learn to be. You have the power to impact and improve your marriage. And contemptuous of the father of your children. What impact is that having on your kids to see him as so fatally flawed?
And are they fatally flawed and will you tell them you wish they were never born if they have AS? Or communicate that to them implicitly? Imagine if he was telling people publicly he wished he never married you. And never to marry a woman like you, because life is too short…. I am NT woman, i have boyfriend for a year now whom i know he wasnt diagnosed is AS. We are from different cities, and soon i will be mooving in with him to his city.
He said he could just be the sound gyu in teh concert but he pushed himslef and everything he doesn alone — comunication that this events for kids would be possible. He alwasy tries to involve me in the making desicion thing. I am better person because of him, he is my rock, i would like to be his rock to, but he likes to deal in hard time alone, its hard to understand, but even NT people need to deal with problems alone, yes when he have bad day he shuts up and deal it in his own way, i guess u dont have to AS to be like this. So this is your story of love. It is a great story. There will be adjustments in living together.
I am glad you are in love, and I encourage you to enjoy this bonding time together. But this time will help you to weather the rougher times. These last comments are interesting and timely for me. I wrote a message here about a year ago because I was gathering information about the Aspie I was dating and all I could find was negativity and hate for AS partners, it was so distressing. But I pushed on and we are dating still, over two years now. And oh how I can relate to what everyone is saying!
But read that sentence again…poor me, I think…yeah, i need to ask for some things, but when I do I get them! And they are noted and filed away for future information.
He wants to please me. He is not always kind or attentive, no, but he also accepts when I point this out. And I know he does. And, I do hope to hear it one day because I know he will mean it. Why do I need all of that PDA anyway? Again and again, by understanding my partner, I just see myself more clearly. Some things I need, no questions or doubts, but mostly I realize I keep looking outside myself for something that I will never find. Maybe briefly, but it will always end. And you want to hear something both amazing and sad? It took two years to get to the gooey center of this man. He has been criticized, misunderstood and treated unkindly by some for so long, it took that long for him to just get comfortable with me!
And I never do this to him, ever. He is horrible with time. Always always late, just gets lost in it, so I have to set limits around it. He has tried and that is more than I can say for other NT relationships. Sometimes I do feel I am working really hard, but I think that is on me. I hope this makes sense, but we NT women have got to realize we are trying to get certain men to live up to a culture and expectations that are unrealistic for any man.
Yes, there is a level of connection that you may not achieve with an Aspie partner, I understand that fully, and that may be very important to you. But…my AS partner and I are intimate and connected in other ways, ways I could have never dreamed of before, so different yes, but no less important, at least to me. I am grateful for every day we have had together with no strings on how long that will be. And empathy is the foundation to relationships and intimacy. I already told you, so why do you need for me to keep saying it?
I want to have it over and over. Tell me every day. Or at least most neurotypicals anyway. Empathy can be expressed when someone understands what another person is going through. Why they need WHAT they need. But when their spouse opens up and talks about themselves, they begin to. It means you need to take the time to explain to me, in a way I can understand. But their duties are done with love and devotion.
These are acts of love. The attitude is what counts. I can have someone tell me about their life, and while I may not agree with them, if I love them and trust them, I want to understand. Her blog is based on what she reads on a forum for women like her, who all feel they have suffered greatly as a result of being in a relationship with a man with aspergers.
This is really the whole point of that forum — to provide a place where they can be amongst others who have suffered the same as them, and say all the worst things about their partners and exes without holding back like they would have to elsewhere. This is pretty much what happens to people when they are surrounded by a consensus of agreement — they start to believe it as the absolute truth. To them, all NT women they know of in such a relationship unanimously agree that it is a disaster, because pretty much all those women are on that forum. However Brianna does not seem to be aware that the consensus on that forum is something they have themselves engineered.
People are attracted to a groups where they feel they can relate to others. Those who have more positive experiences do not go there, or else leave very quickly or are asked to leave. Some are even banned if they attempt to give an opposing point of view. Even assuming that they all do genuinely have aspergers, it is usually the relationship issues themselves that lead their partner to that conclusion. So once again this is a self-selecting sample, since without significant relationship issues such a diagnosis is far less likely to happen.
This also goes for relationships you see in your everyday life. If you assume that all AS relationships are disasters, you will also assume that any healthy ones you know of cannot be AS ones and if the AS person does in fact know of their condition, why would they necessarily tell you unless you are a close friend.
I understand the desire to try to get word out there and try to protect others from going through the same misery as oneself. Parents will be less keen to diagnose their AS child, perhaps denying them the help that could have made a world of difference to them and their future relationships. Aspergers adults will be discouraged from seeking a diagnosis or confiding their condition in others. Whats more, even if every accusation made on that forum were fair and true, they are almost entirely describing people who never knew or understood their condition.
If aspergers is NOT stigmatised too much, and more children continue to be diagnosed young, they will have a much better chance than prior generations at overcoming difficulties and developing healthy relationships. Parents of AS children should have the chance to teach them social awareness and give them a better chance to find happiness, and to make someone else happy. For this, neurological differences need to be embraced and understood, not shunned!
You said it again. And you are right. I, too, have a therapeutic agenda: It is to stop the sort of distorted views of human beings with Aspergers that you are firmly entrenched in promoting… views that are all too popular in the general public. I left out an important point, one that you assumed: My ex did not disclose his diagnosis to me. He purposefully hid it. I related to him as if he were the NT he was trying to pretend to be. In that context, there was no way to understand his behavior.
I finally found out from his mother. I knew nothing about Asperger Syndrome. Even so, I believe that empathy is a requirement for real emotional connection. You are obviously unable to do anything but try to shame NT partners into feeling their normal human emotional needs are somehow selfish, and to blame them for the problems as you did here with me: Though it was of course not his fault, he simply could not connect emotionally.
My normal needs for emotional intimacy, connection and support went unmet. The relationship was all about meeting HIS needs and understanding HIM and giving up my needs and my expectations of a relationship being about mutual connection. What was left was riding bikes together, going to the movies and having really bad sex—he had zero passion and was like a machine. Had no clue how to seduce a woman or engage in foreplay; it was simply about physical relief for him.
I finally came to my senses and realized that I was giving up more and more of myself and my normal emotional needs for love and support and for being known and understood. I was giving up everything that makes for a fulfilling relationship, and receiving nothing in return except criticism and invalidation and long-winded, boring lectures on economics.
I have nothing against my ex. I realize he had a disability. And I agree that many women involved with men with AS become deeply unhappy and depressed. My article is trying to suggest something different. They have to figure out something about how to express emotional needs more concretely. They have to learn to set limits and say: Now it is my turn to tell you something about my interests, and I want you to listen to me, and care about it, because I care about this topic. If you care about that person, you can and should learn that it is your job to figure out how to show attention and patience.
But it is a conversation you have with an AS. It is wrong to say that all people with AS cannot connect emotionally. AS folks have limitations. They speak different languages of love, and they need a common baseline of understanding. Relationships ARE about mutual connection. Really skilled lovers can help them get better. And really, you complain about your AS lover not knowing how to seduce you?
They have a very hot sexual life with their NT wives. No one is telling you that you should have stayed with that guy. What seemed to be the simplest list on the internet for positive traits of AS persons turned out to be the longest reading I did all day. This comment section, whoa! First, I have to say that this was the first piece I found on AS that made me laugh.
I laughed out lot several times when I read the different points. It was the first piece that made me feel positive and hopeful about my NT experiences so far with a strongly suspected AS guy. Laughing about the good traits, generalized so be it, flooded me with NT feelings of joy and reminded me only of all the funny and sweet times my AS partner has been responsible for. Not to diminish some of the critiques from NT and AS readers, for I can relate to some of those comments as well, but I mainly want to express how much weight this site has lifted from my mind and the anxiety it has begun to induce in me.
First off, my experiences are just that: This reaction began to change the way I talked about my diagnosis to Aspies. I used to be full of fear and trepidation to give such news. If I believe the person has AS, I tell them in the feedback session. I will often say: At this point, it is a defunct diagnosis, but I still find it helpful to describe a set of behaviors and ways of processing information.
I ask about autism in the family. Then I drop it. I agree that therapy that primary objective should b to Foster acceptance between interneurotypical people who are in a romantic relationship. Look at the NT;then consider which one of the other two connectome it closely resembles;…. Since NT are the majority of the human pop;and we are having communication and understanding difficulty with minority neurotypes;we are labeling and diagnosing them,from our perspective,as having a disorder,deficiency,syndrome,etc; instead of considering that it may be us,who have certain deficiencies and disorders.
Or, that there exist several languages of communication: Maybe our perception-based on our brains neuroconnectivity; interpret their faces as blank….. For example,the idea that as senses bcome easily overstimulated where the as person needs time alone to decompress…. I just wanted to reach out and say hi because it seems like we are in the same boat.
I am working on an email to my AS partner since that is his preferred method of communication. But if he is willing to read into it simply for the chance to gain some insight into my POV, it would mean the world to me. I wish you the best of luck!!! Do you have any advice on how to suggest to someone that they look into the possibility that they are on the spectrum? I am really enjoying the comments on this one though and all the different perspectives.
I met my current bf online over 4 years ago. There was something about him that was so unique and different. He was passionate about so many things, super intelligent, technologically focused, but with an artistic mind, played piano, guitar, and was always really interested in taking on new projects. But he was also so odd in a good way haha. Emotionally clueless at times which at first I thought was so endearing and kind of adorable. But in the back of my mind, I suspected that I might get frustrated with it. When we first started dating, I was separated but not divorced.
It felt weird to him to say he was dating someone who was still technically married even though I was the one who initiated the divorce. I thought our relationship might be over for good because he was getting overwhelmed, I think keeping the secret was too much for him. He even told me he loved me! And then, very recently, little things crept up. His sex drive nose-dived, he started withdrawing more often, he would cancel plans with me because he wanted to be alone. I tried to convince him that he was clinically depressed. I took everything personally.
Sometimes I would tell him I loved him and he would only stare back at me. I started badgering him about the sex which only turned him off more. I used to joke with mutual friends that he was on the autism spectrum. But about a month ago, my insecurities crept up, and, like the couple who have a baby just to save their marriage, I suggested we talk about moving in together to save our relationship. I think I could hear his head exploding. He withdrew from me completely for weeks. I thought it was over. I had resigned myself to it. But I thought, no. So I talked to him and he said he wanted to work it out.
If I wanted out, I would have to dump him. I was taken aback, but I retained my composure. Nevertheless, we agreed to disagree about the word love. He is right, to an extent. To him, cuddling and showing affection is enough. Why does he have to say it? And I appreciate that you recognized that. There are some aspects of the spectrum that I think he is pretty mild on. Now, I just want to find an article about the best way to tell someone with Aspergers, that they have Aspergers…haha. That and the sex thing. I think I need to stop pushing him because it only makes him overwhelmed. And yesterday he did say he would try to put himself in my shoes sometimes, but he noted that sometimes he has a hard enough time putting himself in his own shoes.
Thank you for this year old article. It may have saved my sanity and my relationship. Thank you again to you and all the commentators here. This was really helpful to read. I have a friend that I believe has Asp. He has anxiety already… but his behavior at times fits for an aspie. As an NT, I can be very sensitive emotionally.
And I always assumed how a person acted showed how much they cared. Things went down hill when he would never follow through with promises or his word. This was bad when it came to having plans. This is a personal peeve of mine, as i think it shows Lac of consideration for another person.
I told him this after it was turning into a habit Then, I was going through a rough time a while ago, and he actually picked up on this and made plans to hangout and try to cheer me up. Well, when the time came, he decided to go hangout with work friends after work instead…and just kept me waiting. When I finally heard from him, I was too upset and pissed off that I couldnt even address it. I let him know I was very upset but I had to sleep so I couldnt talk about it then. When I Tried the next day to explain myself, he barely listened.
Kept trying to change the subject and cracking jokes. That moment was my breaking point. Before then our friendship was mostly all about him. His likes, his hobbies. For hours he would talk and talk and I tried to engage him in return. But the second I tried to talk about anything I liked, or whatever, he would tune me out. Or interrupt me, and talk over me saying something unrelated entirely.
That in turn would change the subject back to him. I found out someone who does this is a conversation narcissist. I felt like I was being talked at. It sadly, got to a point where we just stopped being friends all together. I guess I was being emotionally abusive by how I got upset. I was reading him all wrong. Mainly he just wanted to avoid conflict all together and expected me to let it go. If anything does bother him. Or he gets stressed out or depressed, he will pretty much shut everyone out and stay in his own world.
I knew our friendship would never be an even two way street. Even though I have told him flat out what things he did that hurt my feelings, Like being so self focused and not listening when I talked , he will forget and not change the behavior. At times he seems to understand and will make an effort, but our friendship is still mostly all about him.
And it very hard not to take it personal. I stopped believing in what people say but instead I watch how they act. With an Aspie this seems so different. I still love him and care for him. The last thing i want to be is emotionally abusive to him. Reading this helps me understand it so much better. I do have a question though, if its alright. He would be sweet and buy me a gift or present out of the blue once and while.
But the gifts have always been things he happens to like. A book he loved. To many I think they would view this as self absorbed and not being able to see the other person. I then asked him why he thought I would love it. And he was stumped and actually said.. Is this normal for an aspie? It also illustrates how, once you understand, instead of being hurt, you recognize that this is a cognitive limitation, not an intentional slight.
The only real answer might be: To Robert, you sound a really lovely, sensitive guy. I wish he would let me get close to him…. Good luck with finding a lovely lady Robert x.
I think it is great to see positive traits of Aspies posted online, even if they are broad generalizations, as no one is shy about putting up a list such as this of negative traits. I have been reading about Aspergers for the last couple years and have come to strongly suspect that I am an undiagnosed Aspie. I am a 39 year old female. This syndrome explains so much about me. I get sensory overload by things like fluorescent lights, the sounds of electrical appliances, crowded rooms, etc. I have an extremely sensitive sense of smell.
I become easily overwhelmed and shut down when people are making demands on me, at which point my husband tends to accuse me of being passive aggressive. I am sometimes averse to sex because it is just so messy and invasive. These two issues have caused a lot of problems in my marriage, and then to top it off I found out that my husband of 11 years has a pornography addiction he had hidden from me. He also criticizes me for my poor time management skills. Our 8 year old son is seeing a child psychologist to be evaluated for autism spectrum next week.
He is hyperactive, incredibly intelligent, and talks nonstop about video games. My family laughs at me for thinking I am an Aspie but from everything I have read it makes perfect sense to me. A lot of people have commented regarding your article about lying. In my life I mostly have lied to avoid conflict. I have been criticized so much in my life and I have tried so hard to be what everyone wanted me to be until I was just so mad at everyone because it feels like the harder I try the worse it gets.
Often it has felt like people misunderstand the things I say on purpose so that they can have the fun of being offended or spreading rumors about me. Looking back, I can see how gullible I was, and how many excuses I was making for him. I really like what you have to say, Nadia. It was really my goal to make Aspies just simply humans with positive, and vulnerabilities like the rest of us. Thanks for sharing that with us. This article is clueless drivel, and is hurtful to myself as an aspies.
Everything about this is offensive from the picture of a robotic guy, to the inferences we have no empathy, to the pigeon-holing of how people with aspies behave and operate. You obviously have little real learning of the incredible diversity of which aspies types come in, or of the actual syndrome as it affects us on the capacity of intimate relationships, so you should just leave us alone, really,.
As I said, every Aspie is different. I was flattered to find that most folks on one site devoted to AS actually agreed with the majority of my points although there was an active debate about two issues that my readers did tease out in their great comments: I am grateful to those who contributed for spending the time to share. Hope you took the time to read them. Thank you for this.
I do wonder if this is related to executive function challenges? It would seem most would end a marriage such as this but his inability to change and inability to plan has resulted in frustration. It is so sad to witness. He sums it up as life is hard and drifts along. He is intriguing because he has figured out other areas of life as he is ivy educated and successful professional.
I believe that is right on. My short-hand is to ask yourself: It is the sort of technical thinking that is common. I have been in an affair with a married and diagnosed aspie for over a year. He and his spouse tried living apart together because of fighting and he went looking for companionship due to loneliness. I asked if his wife knows about me. His response is no. It has never come up. Deceit is not viewed as a lie. I find this article to be quite silly and basically generalizes a good part of the population regardless of Aspergers.
My husband, in lieu of an apology, regularly begins lying, regardless of how ridiculous he sounds. I find that my high functioning autistic husband has no idea why I would want alone time, ever. He was raised in boarding school in France and has no idea what privacy means and as such has no need of it, and makes no bones about his disdain of my need for occasional personal space. And yes, they do make fun friends, but realize that your other friends will be far more important to you in this relationship than they might be otherwise.
A marriage between an Aspie and a NT is a really challenging prospect and you will find they, just like the rest of us, are capable of hidden motivations, especially when it has proved effective in the past. Ya, it sure looks like his brain functions just like yours does. But your comment highlights just how complicated marriage to an Aspie really is. It can be lonely unless you truly understand the complexity of the difference in the thought processing. Only to counteract the message that your comment emphasizes, which is that despite the drawbacks, there ARE good reasons to love an Aspie.
I try to love people for who they are. I try to love people for their many qualities and many flaws. Once you have love in your heart, little else matters. I will do my best to accept you for who you are. Psychoanalisis is also good to help you understand, although it can be used for the purposes of deception, and I hate that. So good that a lot of my psychology colleages feel threatned in a good way by me.
You may be discouraged and frustrated with dating. Here are some dating tips for Aspergers women to help you increase your confidence. Does dating a girl with Asperger's Syndrome really not come with all the bullcrap that comes with dating a normal girl? All these "Aspergirls".
Literally, hundreds of thousands of hours spent doing that. I was obsessed with that for many years. First off though, Aspies are people, so they can either be good or bad. That being said, though, I think that all of us particularly us Aspies are really good at heart.
But society can corrupt us. You NTs, have you ever put yourselves in our shoes? So, whenever I do so, trust me, I have a list of very good reasons in my opinion to do it. I have spent time 23 years and a lot money doing that. But what did I get in return? You will never find me talking about other people. People who wanna get, but have a whole lot more to give. Where are these people? I cannot watch shows of ridicule, because it hurts me like bees have just stung me. I have been in their shoes and I instantly imagine myself in that horrible situation again.
This has absolutely scarred me for life, and there is no therapy that can take this away. Why the hell do they have shows like that in the first place? Do you get a kick out of that? I just figured out the whole AS thing about a year ago. Previously, I had assumed all of my issues came from growing up in a dysfunctional and abusive family, but the way I turned out from it all is so different from my sisters. The deeper I dug underneath all that stuff, the more I realized there was something else going on with me. What you said about not being spiteful…that explains so much for me.
What you said about loyalty really nails it. And it took soooo many emotionally abusive interactions with my family while I was growing up in order to learn how to do that. I learned out of necessity how to examine a statement or situation from as many perspectives as I could imagine in order to present the truth in a way that is least offensive as possible.
Perspective-taking itself can actually be a very aspie thing to do. Think about Temple Grandin taking the perspective of cattle going through the washbins on their way to the slaughterhouse, and how she could see what was so unsettling to them and what they needed in order to feel safe to move through the baths.
Although there can be emotional perspective-taking in some cases, like when seeing an animal or child in pain, or seeing someone being teased and mistreated by others. But so many of my adaptations are simply cognitive in nature. I study people, and write complex algorithms in my head for how to interact with people. The way I think inside and experience the world is so unusual, apparently. And then I had learned to emulate the dysfunctional behavioral patterns I grew up around, not realizing there was anything different.
No experience of being loved really gets inside, because what people love on the outside, is just a facade. No one including myself really knows the real me. An exceptionally useful set of observations. Thank you for making them. I really like your comments on perspective-taking being cognitive. That is very insightful and so true. Neurotypicals can learn rules too, not just people with AS. And if they are going to be your good buddies, they will have to learn new rules and you will have to learn new rules together. Just pick people that are curious, and interested in you or the things that you say.
Ask them if they can take true, simple, direct honesty, from your own perspective. For example, tell them to say: You are unique and valuable. I like your honesty. I learn from the way you think. You humble me all the time, in recognizing how limited I am in seeing the world through your eyes. The way you think is a fascinating puzzle to me. I know each of you is so different, even with similar traits. I am honored to work with you, and to help you explain to your partner, and allow me to explain to your partner how lucky they are to have you in their lives. I want to help you learn the many ways you can take care of yourself and your partner so you can love and be loved well.
I, myself, am terribly flawed and far, far away from being normal. And it makes me a very helpful and curious person with many gifts to offer to the world. I want you to see yourself that way, too. I do believe that all of these generalizations are true. Again, they are generalizations, which means they may not apply to all Aspies. One thing that I have been very concerned about lately and I see here, is the view that Aspie men, in particular, are liars, cheaters, etc…I am not saying that all Aspie men are saints, but I do not believe they are worse than NT men.
Many of these issues regarding lying, talking to other women, etc. In the last couple of years it has been shown that in fact you can have both and even more, many Aspies actually DO have both. Besides, you are always mad at me, and Bill from work is not. In fact, he bought me lunch last week. I have no idea what you want from me…. ADHD makes the issue so confusing as well, and you are right that they often go hand in hand.
My coaching is very habit shift based and all the tools and approach of the Gottman Institute longitudinal couples studied research based stuff and was the first time anyone really understood and helped with the habit shift coaching on the spot the way I did, so said the NT. The AS like people I know think the idea is great but it is odd what happens when an AS involved couple inquires.
Thank you for such a content rich discussion, commenters! It is helpful as a marriage counselor! Regarding the conversation issues…I think what is at its core generality is something like this;. I think that the AS mindset is that communication is for transmitting information. I think that the NT mindset is that communication is to reinforce social bonds. I care about so-and-so. But I suppose solution-focused is task-focused. I think there is a double empathy problem, here. That unwise farmer in the joke always struck me as an undiagnosed Aspie. My boyfriend and I have known each other for 6 years and started dating 6 months ago.
As an older couple both in our 50s we have our moments, but I can truly say he is the best thing that ever happened to me. I am learning about his quirks and the things that make him tick, just as he is with me. However, he is the most loving, affectionate, kind, generous man I have ever met. But we work at it. He did say a couple of things to me when we first met that always stuck in my head. He wishes he could talk to people the way I do and be as friendly as me.
He Wishes he was more confident. Often he would say, I like those words you just used, I might use that, I never thought to say that. I suffer from Depression, anxiety and Type 2 Diabetes, most people I know would never know this. I see a psychologist every 4 to six weeks my man is mentioned every now and then.
Last week I mentioned something about my man, I told her I can handle him a lot better now as I had to think how really lucky I am. Both of us have been married, lost our homes, had to start again in our early fifties…. Anyways, while talking about my partner she asked me if I ever thought he might be an Aspie?
So I decided to read about it, OMG!!!! Their are all types of Aspies, their not all the same a bit like different types of depression I suppose…. The first 2 years of our relationship was hell the sex was pretty bad to, he could never look me in the face for very long, he was also unwell, I stood by him until he got better, that took over a year now this is where the big BUTT comes in! One day I received a phone call telling me a friend of mine had committed suicide, I wanted comfort so went to his home in tears, when I told him, he just looked at me, and I really mean just looked at me.
I was gob smacked and drove home really upset. I had to find something simple to show him so he would understand with out thinking I was trying to find faults…..
I showed him the website, he looked at the cartoons, I read and explained any questions he asked, he was so happy!!!! I have also learnt that they really are wired differently. We have established a trusting, stable relations up after many flare ups and intense fighting. To me, he is an intellectually engaging, kind hearted person but his behavior is off the chart difficult to understand for a NT like me.
For example, I work long hours and earn as much as he does. But he still depends on me to cook, shop, clean, and go out of my way to spend all my money on flights to take him away for holidays. I suppose in normal circumstances, one would wonder why would anyone out herself in this situation. But he end result is I am wishi my life away a every minute I am in this relationship. I am afraid if we have kids, and out kids are like him I would be absolutely devastated. He has a father who is a unempathetic AS, his sisters are AS, and a NT mother who is still suffering after being married to her AS husband for 60 years….
I am terrific to repeat her storyline…. The laying out of rules is just great! It just needs to go farther. He needs to make up an MJ book of things like your favorite colors, foods, or the places you want to go to on vacation. In other words, he needs to document the important facts about you that should catalog to remember. In the book, a list of presence you like to receive.
Speaking up and being clear about your limits is that great opportunity every NT has with an AS. Mindblindness is a neurological fact, not something an AS does to upset. The child issue is really important to pay attention to: AS is often seen as running in families and perhaps volunteering to help with AS kids would help you decide if this is the relationship for you. Any wife or mother should feel lucky in love, and with her children, not resentful or petrified. Kissing, sex, that should be in there too, and if you are the high desire sexual partner, it is your job to set the place and time…but give him a heads up to get his mind around it.
My only disability is mild Aspergers and i do have empathy. In fact i believe what most aspies want is someone they can care for, to go to for support, to be themselves and to be able to hold when overwhelmed. But I can fake most facial expressions, can be involved in social situations and can keep going for hours as long someone else in the conversation is able to keep it going for that long I struggle to find a suatible subject to talk about most of the time.
All i want is a good purpose in life and someone who cares about me. I have no interest in sex but i believe when i do finally have sex i can be arousing because of how gentle aspies generally are. We want someone we can feel safe with. Someone who will accept our vulnerabilities, and flaws, because we all have them. Some who can love us fully, and feel lucky to have us in their lives. But beyond these stereotypes, we have real human beings who have to learn to adapt to, especially in childhood, a hostile world.
It can make people mean or incredibly empathetic. Man, I love your comment, because it points out some of the traits I find most attractive in people with Aspergers. That person is out there for you. You have to just keep looking, be involved, be active in what makes you happy in social situations.
I was diagnosed 2 years ago and he was diagnosed as a child. We are both Hypersensitive and Love the experience of exploring it through play. Most NT guys are all about the end score but this AS lover is about the whole entirety of sensuality in hypersensative exploration. Im wondering if its possible to vote Ali in as next Prime Minister. He has great plans for Spite Tax. We want to tax only Spiteful Nasty or Greedy people to make life better for nice people?
But back to the subject NTs just need to learn not to overdramatise in their thought patterns when an AS is being Honest or just wants Time Out. I have seen NT guys get very much like a sulking child or Angry dog over the silliest of things. Its great not to be in that position anymore where when I dont contact him for a while he calls cruel words at me or threatens to be with someone else. Thank God Im as AS as my AS lover Up all day and night in fits of giggles wiv similar interests total openness total honesty entirely thrilling experience.
Maybe its the stress of trying as an AS to try n be so NT. I am a recently diagnosed i. I agree with both the intent i. What I have found in my current relationship which is likely to lead to marriage and it was she who realized I probably had AS and convinced me to analyze myself and seek a professional diagnosis is that what she describes as counter-intuitive behaviours for her e.
They allow you to get things into the open, but if you combine it with a blunt request to change after talking about it and explaining it is causing an issue then the AS or at least I do will change that behaviour if they can see the logic and they are motivated to do so by their personal feelings a bit like taking on another project. Conversely an AS with a good emotional checklist [i. My girlfriend has pointed out that quite a few of her friends have married what she believes to be diagnosed AS display all the classic symptoms etc and that it very much conforms to personality and upbringing types.
As to lying, which seems to be quite the controversial area. When it was explained to me I simply stopped doing it, because now I see the logic and how it was not the correct signal to use. I really liked how you described the motivations for lying, and you put it extremely well. I suppose most passive-aggressive behavior can fit the same bill. Anyway, I do appreciate your thoughtful post.
It was informative to me, and hopefully to my readers, as well. Not sure if I will get a response from this thread or not since its been 19 days since the last reply but whatever. I am an Asperger female who was diagnosed 2 years ago who has managed to relate and emphasize with both N. Yes I am aware that the following are generalizations and will not apply to everyone with A. S mind and both sides need to understand this. Now to return to my point I will try to explain to the best of my ability what an A. S mindset actually is. S mind does not necessary mean we will be automatically loyal to you and only you if you decide to pursue one of us.
It is also a personality trait some N. This does not mean we can generalize the entire aspie population because you meet someone with aspergers who was a jerk. If someone does not treat you right and continues to insult, hurt you and manipulate you whenever they please whenever they have A. T you do not have to tolerate there behavior. Abuse is Abuse whenever that person has Aspergers or not. Also we may struggle with eye contact,Tend to have an obsession with an interest or several sub interests, for example I enjoy reading about several different interests such as abnormal psychology,lgbt related issues,religions,gaming,and even history and many more topics.