The first question that must be answered is: Why is he getting a divorce and what is the timeline?
Some people will swear off men who are going through a divorce. My opinion is more nuanced Is he ready? How will I know if he is ready to. The older we get, the more inevitable it's going to be we date people who play a larger factor when dating someone going through a divorce;.
This is important and he will be talking about it, so listen with a keen intensity when he does. Here is a checklist:. You must be definite that he is actually getting a divorce and has not just taken a few weeks off from his marriage to "find himself" or "get space.
Has a lawyer been retained?
Any reports of progress are a green light that he is headed in the right direction as a possible partner for you. Any stalling, or worse, attempts at reconciliation are red lights for you to put a stop to seeing him until he is officially, legally single.
If he cannot or will not follow through on this, what kind of follow through will he have in regards to his commitment to you? Why is he getting a divorce?
Does he acknowledge his role in the marriage falling apart? That is a big plus.
Did they try couples counseling? If so, that tells you that he is willing to work on disagreements as well as letting you know that the divorce was not a rash decision.
If he says phrases like, "I'm not perfect" or "I really tried," take these as cues that his relationship with you will also feature him making an effort when needed. If his discussion of the divorce is a one hundred percent blaming of his soon-to-be ex-wife, take a step back. It takes two to tango.
If, at the core, the problem with his wife was a drug or alcohol problem, she may be responsible for a big part of the breakup, but he may have developed co-dependent tendencies. This means that he needs to be part of a relationship drama instead of part of a relationship.
Again, counseling for someone in a relationship with heavy addiction issues is a must and any insistence that, "I'm not crazy, she's the one that's crazy," is a rehearsal for his lines in the movie that might become your life if you stick with him and he continues to live in denial about his role in things going bad. If he flat out does not know what went wrong with the marriage or is evasive, insist he get to the bottom of it with you.
You do not want to make a commitment to him and then find out he is likely to keep secrets from you or to check out and be so absent from the relationship that he will be surprised to find out one day that you, like his wife, is no longer there. Of course, in his defense, she may have put on a good act and left him as a devious surprise to maximize his pain and to give her a stronger position in the divorce proceedings.
Find out what you can about the timeline of how and why it ended. Does everything add up? In his discussions of his divorce, you should be able to see her side of the story at least a little and observe the habits of his that angered her.
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