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Their absurdity and humour aren't disguises for some deeper intent. They are simple, genuine statements about the people who write them and the people they hope to find. They're modestly successful too. We've had many reports of romances, dalliances, marriages and children. Granted, their honesty subverts the traditional lonely heart form, and we're often surprised, delighted or infuriated by their unwavering and messy emotion, but if an advert doesn't garner a positive response - however witty it may be - its author will always consider it a failure.

I celebrated my fortieth birthday last week by cataloguing my collection of bird feeders. Next year I'm hoping for sexual intercourse. Join my invite mailing list at box no. If intense, post-fight sex scares you , I'm not the woman for you amateur big-boned cage wrestler, My last seven adverts in this column were influenced by the early catalogue of Krautrock band, Paternoster.

This one, however, is based entirely around the work of Gil Scott-Heron. Possibly the last person you want to be stood next to at a house-party you've been dragged along to by a friend who wants to get off with the flatmate of the guy whose birthday it is. Have you ever heard Boards of Canada?

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They're amazing; I'll burn you a CD. Meet the new face of indoor bowling! More or less the same as the old face, but less facial hair and better teeth. The celebrity I resemble the most is Potsie from Happy Days. What feels so right can't be wrong.

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Mentally, I'm a size eight. Compulsive-eating F, 52, WLTM man to 25 for whom the phrase 'beauty is only skin-deep' is both a lifestyle choice and a religious ethos. I vacillate wildly between a number of archetypes including, but not limited to, Muriel Spark witticism-trading doyenne, Mariella Frostrup charismatic socialite, brooding, intense Marianne Faithful visionary, and kleptomaniac Germaine Greer amateur upholsterer and ladies' league darts champion. Everything I just said was a lie. Apart from the bit about darts.

Philanthropy is my middle name. It's just a name though so don't be expecting any free rides. You can call me Mr Wallace. My first name is none of your business. Applications to box no. I have a mug that says 'World's Greatest Lover'.

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I think that's my referees covered. If clumsy, unfeeling lust is your bag, write to the ad above. Otherwise write to me, mid-forties M with boy next door looks, man from U. Wikky wikky wick yo. All humans are Science has long since proven that I am the man for you 41, likes to be referred to as 'Wing Commander' in the bedroom.

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Normally on the first few dates I borrow mannerisms from the more interesting people I know and very often steal phrases and anecdotes from them along with concepts and ideas from obscure yet wittily-written books. It makes me appear more attractive and personable than I actually am. With you, however, I'm going to be a belligerent old shit from the very beginning. That's because I like you and feel ready to give you honesty. Belligerent old shit M, They call me Mr Boombastic.

You can call me Monty. My real name, however, is Quentin.

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But only Mother uses that. Monty is fine, though. All I need is the air that I breathe and to love you. And a five-door saloon fully air-con. And two holidays a year Latin America plus one other of my choosing.

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You're a brunette, 6', long legs, , intelligent, articulate and drop dead gorgeous. I, on the other hand, have the looks of Herve Villechaize and an odour of wheat. In continuous publication since and widely respected as England's longest running weekly magazine for women,.

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The Lady is celebrated both for the quality of its editorial pages and its classified advertisements. Genuinely to cherish and care for her. I live in old stone house in National Park between York and Whitby, my interests are rugby and horse racing and good traditional English food and Italian.

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Correspondences are completely private. Please email adreplies lady. Spiritual lady, mids, seeks genuine new female friends or penpals. Sign in Register Subscribe.